Hunting Vocabulary Review

  I'd like to think that I have a lot of common sense.  Unfortunately, I don't.  New concepts terrify me. While a normal person would rationally try to understand said concept, I curl into a small ball, hoping that the concept will think that I died.  Often when I'm faced with having to make sense of something new, I attempt to grasp at concepts that I'm familiar with in order to make some sort of vague connection. I can do pretty well with this, as my aptitude in this process made it so that I earned my BA in English, at the head of my class, without having to really read anything. 

   Months ago, DU and I were driving to watch the Colts play at a nearby bar with his fellow Indianians (Indianagites?).  On the way, DU was going on about the god that Payton Manning is when I realized I had failed to break the news to him that  I have never understood football. I tried to fall back on my vague connection process but when he started talking about things like "first downs"(Is that the first one down the field?), "hail Marys" (Aaaahhhh so they're religious?), and "Tight Ends" (Now that is just dirty), I couldn't take the deception anymore. I figured that this moment was the perfect time to tell him, as we were in a death vehicle barreling down the highway reaching imminent danger.

  "You'll really love it, hunny.  It's like he throws the ball and a guy just APPEARS at the end! He acts like coach and reads plays on the sidelines the entire game. It's like magic..."

   "Like magic... yeah..."

   My head suddenly filled with images of Harry Potter trying to propel the ball down the field with his wand when I caught myself.

   "Speaking of magic... if I tell you something, will you promise not to kill us?"

   "Sure.... you do realize that has nothing to do with magic, right?"

   "Yeah but I couldn't find a better segue into what I have to tell you."

   "That was weak. You're better than that but I'll let it go"

   "Good... it's just. I don't understand football."

    The silence in the car permeated to the radio, as the radio announcer lost his voice mid-way through the news story he was proclaiming to the land.  I cursed Mr. Radio Announcer and silently pleaded with him to continue speaking so DU would come back to reality.  The car slowly veered off the road.  Once we hit that annoying bumpy stuff on the shoulder, DU came back to life.  He took control of the car and gained enough strength to ask me how in Payton's name do I not understood football?

   That answer was simple.  I had grown up in a household who adored the Buffalo Bills.  Bills' fans are notorious for blind loyalty and an questionable amount of enthusiasm for a team who habitually loses to anyone they play.  Growing up in Buffalo, my mom was born a Bills' fan.  Hence, on Sundays at our house, every TV would be on and no one was allowed to talk.  I was too scared to ask questions, as speaking during a game may cause a cataclysmic cycle, culminating in yet another Bill's defeat. (Other things that would cause the Bills to lose- The removal the box of Flute Flakes from the top of the TV and taking Jim Kelly's name in vain)  So, I'd watch the game or go upstairs to read a book in peace.  My parents threw gigantic Superbowl Parties and people would pile into the house.  I'd be cute, dress up in team colors, eat food and watch commercials.  But throughout my years of watching football, I never really understood how one actually plays the game.  This is because it is impossible to connect football with hockey.

   I know hockey inside and out, as I played it for more than half my life.  The rules are like second nature and I could call a game better than a NHL ref.  However, this causes problems because no other sport is like hockey. I get soccer and lacrosse because the rules closely resemble the sport I love, but if I can't translate a sport into hockey terms, my brain gives up.  

   My thinking now cleaves into two regions; hunting and hockey.  Hence, if I can relate something to either, I understand it.  I'm in the process of studying for my GRE's (Graduate Record Examination or Grotesquely Repulsive Examination) because for some odd reason I miss school. Since this is the exam to get into graduate school, it is terribly difficult.  I already took the exam once, the scores were absolutely dismal so I'm going for a second try. Last time, I neglected to study because I figured that my sheer brilliance would get me through the test easy.  This did not happen so I'm actually going to try to get some review done before February 15th.  I got my little review books out of the library, set up my study station, and procured new pens (superior ink flow is imperative).  Going over the tests has been interesting but having to reivew 3,500 vocabulary words is simply daunting. I respected the task as impossible until I recalled my old standby.

   Yes, dear reader, vocabulary is fun again! I've begun altering words' definitions into hunting terms and using them in hunting-related sentences. So, without further adieu, I bring you:

THE HUNTING GUIDE TO THE GRES:

SECTION IV- VOCABULARY REVIEW

Consanguinity- N. Kinship. Real Usage: Wanting to be rid of yet another wife, Prince Randolf XXII sought a divorce on the grounds of consanguinity, claiming their blood relationship was creepily close.
Hunting Usage: In order to strengthen their consanguinity, those at deer camp ingested copious amounts of beer and told dirty jokes.

Ebullient- ADJ. Showing excitement. How I acted when I harvested my first duck. Real Usage: Lorraine's ebullient nature could not be quelled; she was always jumping with excitement.
Hunting Usage: In my ebullient celebration after killing my first duck, I fell face-first into a pile of snow.

Opprobrium- N. Infamy; vilification. Real Usage: OJ Simpson refused to defend himself against the slander and opprobrium hurled against him by the newspapers, even though they were right.
Hunting Usage: E4, after hearing my opprobrium about the tiny deer he shot with my gun, spread lies that I like Fatback and empty power lines.


Remunerative- ADJ. Compensating, rewarding.  Real Usage: I find my vacation so remunerative that I may not return to my real job.
Hunting Usage: Real hunters find even the long days where nothing shows up remunerative.

Machinations- N. evil schemes or plots. Real Usage: Roadrunner is a master of machinations to get Wile. E Coyote squashed by some sort of large object.
Hunting Usage: These ingenious ducks constantly evade our machinations to kill them, as they never fly low enough for a good shot.

Zephyr- N. gentle breeze.  Real Usage: When the zephyrs blew through the ship, the captain called for all hands on deck.
Hunting Usage: I used the zephyr to my advantage and allowed it to waft the smell of bacon through the cabin to rouse my fellow hunters.

Malingerer- N. One who feigns illness to escape duty.  Real Usage: The captain ordered the sergeant to punish all malingerers and force them to work.
Hunting Usage: Given that I am an extremely convincing malingerer, I slept in the blind while the boys set out the decoy spread.  Success.

Physiognomy- N. Face. Real Usage: He is obsessed with his physiognomy, he is never without his trusty mirror.
Hunting Usage: I adore slathering black face paint on my physiognomy almost as much as I love archery.

Misanthrope: N.  One who hates mankind. Every animal I hunt. Real Usage: In my story, the beast is a misanthrope and beats humans to a pulp.
Hunting Usage: I can understand why deer are misanthropes, as we try to puncture them with incredibly fatal moving broadheads.

   Who knew that life in the outdoors could lead to one having such an extensive vocabulary?